Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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