Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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