Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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