When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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