I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
