She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
