someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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