I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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