I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
