How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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