I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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