It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
