I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
