i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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