so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
