I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
