I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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