Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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