If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
