I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
