Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
