You kept calling me your small dog last night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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