Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
