I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
