Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
