I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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