I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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