I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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