At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
