Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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