I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your dad touched me again.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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