That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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