I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
