I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
