lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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