OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
