Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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