I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
