I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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