bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
