How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
