My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
