I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
