you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
