I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
