I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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