Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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