When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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