and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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