Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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