Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
