what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
