yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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