I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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