you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
