my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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