Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize